If you are considering staying at Aphrodites Boutique Hotel in the Lake District, I’d suggest you get yourself to the best shrink you can afford. Fast.
The photo to the right shows the garden. Pretty special, right? The hotel say they are in the middle of improvements so the stack of broken pallets and bits of polythene are an artistic statement you’ll surely appreciate.
If you like to eat from dirty tableware, you’ll love the organic restaurant. The tables are packed so tightly together, you may have to breathe in and walk like a crab to get seated, but once you’re jammed in prepare yourself for a culinary vision – tablewear encrusted with the previous occupents’ spills. Mmmmm!
But the excitement doesn’t end there. If you pay an extra £10 per couple on top of the extortionate £160 you’ve already forked out, you are allowed … wait for it…sausages and bacon!
Fancy slipping into your slippers and towelling robe then taking a dip in the spectacular pool advertised on their web site? You might need to rethink your foot wear. It’s a 15 minute hike away – to someone else’s far superior lakeside hotel. What fun!
On your return it’s time to slip into that hot tub. Bliss! The people above have a direct view of you and insist on waving at you every 5 minutes. Bet you wish you’d packed your trunks now.
When you eventually mange to scurry back inside behind a strategically placed holly bush leaf, remember to draw the curtains. It might be hot and stuffy in your room because the broken windows don’t open, but it’s better than having more guests peer in at you from the garden. They’re a friendly lot, I’ll say that for them.
Now it’s evening. You’ve been waiting for darkness to fall so you can watch the ‘dancing fountain’ hand in hand with your loved one. Imagine your excitement when you see the brown water and limp water jets. Honestly, it doesn’t get any more romantic than this.
You’ve had such a wonderful day, what with the manager being rude at every opportunity, but it really is time to slip into that 4 poster bed you went without groceries for a month to pay for. How luxurious! How soft! How stained! And the effect of the gold spray paint against the ornate carvings? It’s a bit thin in places but very professional if a 4-year-old did it. The perfect end to a perfect day.