view of garden at Aphrodites Boutique Hotel

If you are considering staying at Aphrodites Boutique Hotel in the Lake District, I’d suggest you get yourself to the best shrink you can afford. Fast.

The photo to the right shows the garden. Pretty special, right? The hotel say they are in the middle of improvements so the stack of broken pallets and bits of polythene are an artistic statement you’ll surely appreciate.

Broken window in luxury suite

If you like to eat from dirty tableware, you’ll love the organic restaurant. The tables are packed so tightly together, you may have to breathe in and walk like a crab to get seated, but once you’re jammed in prepare yourself for a culinary vision – tablewear encrusted with the previous occupents’ spills. Mmmmm!

But the excitement doesn’t end there. If you pay an extra £10 per couple on top of the extortionate £160 you’ve already forked out, you are allowed … wait for it…sausages and bacon!

Fancy slipping into your slippers and towelling robe then taking a dip in the spectacular pool advertised on their web site? You might need to rethink your foot wear. It’s a 15 minute hike away – to someone else’s far superior lakeside hotel. What fun!

On your return it’s time to slip into that hot tub. Bliss! The people above have a direct view of you and insist on waving at you every 5 minutes. Bet you wish you’d packed your trunks now.

Dancing-Fountain Lake Windermere

When you eventually mange to scurry back inside behind a strategically placed holly bush leaf, remember to draw the curtains. It might be hot and stuffy in your room because the broken windows don’t open, but it’s better than having more guests peer in at you from the garden. They’re a friendly lot, I’ll say that for them.

Now it’s evening. You’ve been waiting for darkness to fall so you can watch the ‘dancing fountain’ hand in hand with your loved one. Imagine your excitement when you see the brown water and limp water jets. Honestly, it doesn’t get any more romantic than this.

attractively stained bedlinen

You’ve had such a wonderful day, what with the manager being rude at every opportunity, but it really is time to slip into that 4 poster bed you went without groceries for a month to pay for. How luxurious! How soft! How stained! And the effect of the gold spray paint against the ornate carvings? It’s a bit thin in places but very professional if a 4-year-old did it. The perfect end to a perfect day.

I think all Kate and Gerry are guilty of is neglect. Yes, they shouldn’t have left the children alone, but how many of us have worked in a garden while a little one snoozes with the front door unlocked, or left a sleeping child in an unlocked car?

Have you?

Dear Lorna

Can you help me understand what a level 2a is in literacy and 2b in numeracy?  My son is coming to the end of year 3 and I’ve just received her school report.

Well, Yvonne, a 2A is the expected achievement level for a child about to finish year 3.   Your son has therefore achieved the expected level in literacy but not quite in numeracy.

1 Million = 1,000,000 (a thousand thousand) 7 digits
1 Billion = 1,000,000,000 (a thousand million) 10 digits (although some people say 100 million)
Trillion = 1,000,000,000,000 (a thousand billion) 13 digits
Quintillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 (a million trillion) 19 digits
Sextillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (a thousand quintillion) 22 digits
Nonillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Ahhhhhh!

1 Million = 1,000,000 (a thousand thousand) 7 digits
1 Billion = 1,000,000,000 (a thousand million) 10 digits
Trillion = 1,000,000,000,000 (a thousand billion) 13 digits
Quintillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 (a million trillion) 19 digits
Sextillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (a thousand quintillion) 22 digits
Nonillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Ahhhhhh!
Centillion: 1 followed by 303 zeros

Ofcourse I should have known better. I really should have phoned up and been honest. But weak as I am, I sat back and waited for James to come back… and waited… and waited.

Five hours later I woke up to hear someone falling over the wheelie bin, which wasn’t anywhere near our front door. Then James banged on the door before he tried the handle and fell through it.

“I’ve really helped you out this time,” he slurred, the buttons on his fly undone. “Three hours I spent at that tupperware party sitting next to a load of lezzers. The food was rubbish and they ran out of tinnies, but don’t worry, I’ve brought you back a souvenir. Fuck knows what it is, but I doubt they’ll miss it.”

Yes, he really smoothed things over for me.

Some people worry about how they are going to manage in this time, but often they find that the blur they used to complain of when wearing spectacles improves rapidly once contact lenses aren’t used at all. The important thing is not to cheat by thinking you can wear contacts for just a few hours and it not effect the healing process.

An increase in astigmatism at this time sometimes occurs, but this is not really a deterioration because it was only hidden by the warpage.

When vision has stablized your opthamolgist may prescribe new contact lenses, refractive surgery, implants or continued use of glasses.